Photo by Tiffany Tertipes on Unsplash

It’s almost November and I’m undecided on who I’m voting for in the Presidential Election. I’m tired of saying that and getting a confused reaction from my internet service customer rep. I’m tired of saying that to my Amazon Alexa and it not telling me who I should vote for. I’m tired of being invited to focus groups and televised interviews and then being asked to leave because I was also undecided on wearing pants. These days you’re both valued and villainized for being undecided. …

Maroon 5 via Wikimedia Commons

I’ve heard about this movement, but won’t defunding Maroon 5 lead to chaos in our streets?

No one says we are going to get rid of Maroon 5 instantaneously. They’ve been around since 1994, they have SEVEN members, and we’re used to their cultural presence. The movement to dismantle them is more about a slow progression to a Maroon 5 free world. It could start with limiting how many albums they can release or how often their songs are allowed to be used as filler on the radio when a DJ is just sort of uninspired. It’s about small steps in order to achieve big, positive change. …

Photo by Carl Cervantes on Unsplash

“Jimmy, I was cleaning up in your room and I found… this?” my mom says, her voice trembling as she holds up my tattered copy of Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics. I get flush and almost panic before remembering that I reject determinism. I have a choice in this. I choose to deny.

“That? I don’t even know what that is. A book? Maybe Aunt Karen left it here when she stayed over four Christmases ago. She always seemed a bit ‘overly intellectual,’ if you know what I mean.”

She opens the book, the pages sticky from repeated Post-It note applications. “These…

Photo by Alejandra Quiroz on Unsplash

Kissing; or “mouth landing” as many experts call it, is easy once you know the proper steps. You may have gone to many Italian restaurants with candles and left without kisses because you were embarrassed to admit you didn’t know how, but the following is an instruction manual, which is a better way to learn than internet videos.

Identify the Mouth

Kissing is much harder when you don’t know what a mouth is; but it is the opening on your head that emits sighs and is where you put popcorn. It is also the body part for you and your…

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

“Curiosity killed the cat.” — Murderous dog diverting blame

“What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” — Very bad doctor

“Never look a gift horse in the mouth.” — Rich but concerned father to his daughter on her birthday

“Opposites attract.” — Inventor of magnets

“There’s no place like home.” — Agoraphobe self-actualizing

“Measure twice, cut once.” — Rabbi to himself at his first bris

“The pot calling the kettle black.” — Appliance translator

“A watched pot never boils.” — Appliance translator again, speaking on behalf of a pan with stage fright

“You can’t make an omelet without breaking a…

illustration by Rodney Uhler

I arrive to set at 8, like always, get a coffee and the final script, like always, and then sink into deep despair, like always. To them, I’m Flo from Progressive: unflappable, ever-smiling, killer blood pressure, and yet no one really takes the time to look further, and ask “Is there more to Flo?” The first year I got the job was exciting for me, it allowed me to stop my South American mercenary work, but by year eight I began to wonder if I was wasting my master’s degree in Comparative Post-Colonial Dramaturgy.

I used to invest in developing…

Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom from Pexels

Dear Employees of Winslow, Kramer, & Simpson:

I’m thrilled to be joining this film. I can’t wait to dive into the work and I’m looking forward to getting to know you all, as colleagues as well as friends. It’s for that very reason — and on the advice of my legal counsel — that I am sending this email to share something about me so that we can ensure a pleasant and peaceful working environment: Please don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee.

I know people say this jokingly, but trust me when I say I am being…

Photo by Engin Akyurt from Pexels

Best Actor In a Leading Role

I think what they say is true, that it’s easier to act when you’re tall so Adam Driver has an inherent advantage. A lot of people are lamenting the lack of diversity in this category, there are white men with blonde hair, black hair, brown hair, white hair and, in the case of Joker, even green hair, usually it’s just blonde or brown so I call this progress. I’m Episcopalian so I can’t vote for a Pope. …

Your nephew isn’t in frame but your animosity is

Photo by ​Victoria Borodinova

Hi Walters Family, thank you for gathering on what has become inexplicably the hottest day of the year, at this park you have “driven past a few times,” so that we can take photos and make memories. To my left is my assistant who I will introduce very quickly so that you cannot be entirely sure of their name and thus avoid addressing them for the remainder of the shoot. …

Netflix and ADHD? — Must be good with hands

You come over, and hang out on my couch at a comfortable distance from me. There’s a strong connection, to the wifi. You watch as I scroll through various potential viewing options on Netflix, moving from British home renovation show to a Best Documentary Nominee from 1995 in a way that’s blowing your mind. Every time I hover over an option, you let me know how much the anticipation is killing you but you love it. I land on a very popular sitcom we’ve both watched a dozen times, but I…

Rodney Uhler

must love the movie, ‘Must Love Dogs’ | nyc

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