It’s almost November and I’m undecided on who I’m voting for in the Presidential Election. I’m tired of saying that and getting a confused reaction from my internet service customer rep. I’m tired of saying that to my Amazon Alexa and it not telling me who I should vote for. I’m tired of being invited to focus groups and televised interviews and then being asked to leave because I was also undecided on wearing pants. These days you’re both valued and villainized for being undecided. It’s important that undecided people get a voice, and even more important that specifically I get a voice.
Yeah I’ve seen the debates, each side saying the other is lying, so no one knows who to believe. I don’t like to brag but I’ve been called a liar all my life, so I’m sort of an expert. Well my bullshit meter has been ringing off the charts recently, of course that could be because my roommate Craig is back and he’s full of shit. Each candidate keeps quoting facts that contradict the other. Well here’s a fact I know: facts suck! Why is each candidate so eager to be on the side of facts? Facts think they’re better than me, and are responsible for me losing countless jobs and a few court cases.
People want to bring up qualifications of the two candidates and yet no one wants to bring up why I was somehow deemed unqualified to work at Trader Joe’s. Sorry, but I’m not listening until I get some answers of my own.
Part of the reason why I’m undecided is I need to hear more about the issues. Sure, there is talk of big, general things like: economy, race, healthcare, but do these really affect me? I’m just an average everyday American with extremely specific problems. Which candidate will stop my cousin from bad-mouthing me for my behavior at Christenings? What about root beer? If that’s apparently non-alcoholic why am I always drunk when I buy it? I can’t spend another four years not having an answer to that. Neither of them seem brave enough to bring up daylight savings time which as far as I can tell is stealing time from me, which I earned fair and square. The other day it took me 17 minutes to find my phone, what’s up with that? Candidates, I’m listening!
A lot of emphasis is being placed on endorsements; I’m sorry but when did the Presidential election become a popularity contest? I don’t like this system. This is like in High School when Jenn Ambroise beat my friend Ted for class treasurer just because she had the support of ninth, tenth, eleventh and twelfth grades but Ted had support from me, his whole family, and that one parking attendant (before he got fired). I stood my ground on this when Trader Joe’s asked me for letters of recommendation and I won’t back down now. Endorsements are part of the establishment, and the America I believe in is no establishment, it’s the place where I keep my computer.
This is all to say I may not even vote! They expect me to show up on a random day just because they say so? If I didn’t do that for my fiance I’m sure as hell not going to do it because people keep sending me mail telling me to. The only person who gets to set my schedule is me, and the people who program TBS. No one can tell me why voting is appealing, the way everyone describes it, it just sounds like a test. Why would I want to take a test when the last time I did that I found out I had an STD?
I’m proud for people to finally get to hear from an undecided, it’s important we’re heard, just not at the polls.